Another Rant...

I'll apologise in advance for the rant that's about to follow..
It's just that I don't want to tell anyone this because they al think I'm dealing with everything so well... Whenin actual fact I'm not.
Fair enough if any of the non-existent people that read this (no-one reads it) thinks I'm just a whiny little girl. Because I guess that's just what I am.

But anyway, I'm fed up of having to sit on my butt most the time, I'm fed up of the damn pain and I'm fed up of everyone else having to do things. It's not fair on them. IT's not their fault I can't carry a cup of goddamn tea back from the kitchen. I can't even get my on sandwhich. I feel like an invalid.. and it sucks..
Right now I could seriously use a hug but I'm not getting one of them anytime soon. Some one that means a lot to me couldn't even call me earlier even though said person had previously said they would...

I have a lot of homework to do, that I can't seem to focus on due to the pain in my leg...and I Just feel so stupid. I can't even walk on my own..
And to top that off I had to spend more time in the hospital. I slipped while I was out with my nan, and on the tiles at home, then my ankle swelled up and went bright purple so I had to get an x-ray. I seriously hate hospitals...

I just wish I could cheer up.. normally there's one person who always manages to make me smile. But I'm scared I've screwed that up... So that's a no too.
I've helped my friends through so much, and one of them spoke to me and didn't even bother to ask if I was okay...I know the world doesn't revolve around me, I don't matter all that much, but it isn't hard to ask someone how they are.
I'd really like to see some people, and go out and just talk... But that's not going to happen anytime soon..
I just feel so rubbish about everything...
</3

Big Ouch..

After being at the hospital for 6.30 am and being delayed all day, with out food and not being able to drink after 11am. I finally had my reconstruction done on my knee. It was only supposed to take about..2 hours. But it took 3 because apparently  there was a lot more damage than first expected. And there were a few complications during surgery....such as not being able to ventilate me properly for a while, and they couldn't stop the bleeding as easily as they wanted too. Oh and my blood pressure as too low. Basically it went well and I'm home now. But it wasn't easy..
I woke up in recovery and the lovely nurse put my tongue bar back in for me, but then I started crying hysterically, who wouldn't. I didn't know where I was, what had happened or how I got there.

Anyway, I was put on a morphine drip and some fluids, because they were really worried about my blood pressure and stuff.. I couldn't sleep either. I kept waking up for no reason.
I don't blame my family for laughing at me either. I must have been really stupid when I woke up. I was still really ditzy from the anaesthetic and the damn morphine. I was stupid...
The Friday night sucked. everytime I fell asleep I was woken up by the nurse so she could check everything was okay, and saturday morning sucked too. I was officially discharged at 12 after proving that I was fully capable and proving that I didn't need help. When in actual fact I can't walk with my crutches and carry a cup of tea at the same time. It's pants. But I manage. Anyway, I was discharged and told that I could leave, then told that I had to wait for a bunch of medication and wait for a damn x-ray.
Right now I feel super sick and dizzy, But I'm putting that down to the mass amount of pain killers I have to take every four hours...
I tried going down to the doctors today, to get the dressing under my knee brace changed (as instructed) but I couldn't even make it half way down the road..I started feeling like I was going to vomit, and there was just too much pressure on it, and so I'm going back to the doctors tomorrow.
I never thought it would hurt this much.And people are making such a fuss. It's like I'm an invalid and can't do a damn thing by my self. I can't do a lot. But I'm not totally incapable. The only thing I really don't like is my purple ankle, that's roughly the size of a small melon, or massively mutant golf ball.

There were a few people I would have loved to see saturday morning when I woke up, and see there smiles, so that I knew it wasn't all disastrous. But they weren't there. So oh well. I'll just have to deal with that one.

Any way, feeling disgustingly sick. So tablets and bed time for me. bye bye!!

Silly little things...

I had such a good day today with my baby Charlotte! She's so amazing! I did her hair and we just chilled with some party rings, and pop corn and some good movies. It was just so good.

But there was a tiny voice in my head telling me I was a massive douche. I really do think I've messed things up.. I'm not going to explain it but I really do think I've messed things up. And I feel terrible about it, I never meant to mess it up and I was actually happy. But I do think I've messed it up and I don't know what to do about it...

But hey, that's just life I guess...
Any way... Today's been good :) <3

Feeling a little selfish...

I've realised how much I use this blog to rant about stupid things that don't actually matter much to the general population. and I'd like to say sorry for that. Any one that reads this doesn't need to hear any of this or read it for that matter..

So any way. Sorry...

?

Why do I miss you this much?

....

This doesn't deserve a title...

Today...today was okay. I got told by a lovely lady this morning that I looked good, got a free morning coffee, and had fun with one of the best girls I know!

But then...Then I started using my phone again.. After a few phone calls and some texts I realised that...To some people I don't matter as much as I used to. Because there's someone else who matters more..There was a time when me and this person were...we were best friends. Like he was my only friend who was always there to tell me everything was okay. And now, not so much. Sure he texts back, and he phones, but that just isn't enough right now. I really need this guy!
And then there's the other thing. Where I'm just not good enough, and I know there will be someone better. There always is.. Because I'll only ever be the little girl with eyeliner, nothing more.  I'll never be the attractive girl that everyone looks at, the cute girl in the corner of the room.
I don't really know what to say,  but right now...I do know I'm not good enough for anyone, I don't matter enough. And I never will...

......

Vanity...

Have you ever got that feeling that what you're thinking is beyond stupid? 
Lately I haven't felt..great. I've been pretty icky, but on top of that I haven't looked great. Before you get to thinking that I'm completely superficial, and shallow... I've always had issues with myself... always. But I looked at myself in the mirror today and I honestly looked crap, like zombie crap. But on top of that I'm fat! :( I've put on weight when I meant to lose it and now I don't have a completely flat stomach any more. I don't understand why but that just made me feel worse. There could be a number of reasons for this - not being well, bloating and water. But I don't think it is any of them.. 
It's sounds really bad, but I can't help it.. I don't want to put on weight. I really don't. Even if it is just a little. I'd put on the weight I needed to in order for the nurse to stop nagging me, but that was it.. And now on top of feeling super sick, I feel disgusting too... "/ 
And to put the icing on the metaphorical cake not only am I slightly scared for next friday, but there's also someone I miss a lot. Well two people. I'd almost, maybe give anything just to get a hug from either of them. I miss them a lot, maybe too much. 
I really need at least one of them right now.. 
But I know that's kind of impossible.. "/ 
Sorry for the rant, but it's been the worst few days.. It really has.. 

:(