Vanity...

Have you ever got that feeling that what you're thinking is beyond stupid? 
Lately I haven't felt..great. I've been pretty icky, but on top of that I haven't looked great. Before you get to thinking that I'm completely superficial, and shallow... I've always had issues with myself... always. But I looked at myself in the mirror today and I honestly looked crap, like zombie crap. But on top of that I'm fat! :( I've put on weight when I meant to lose it and now I don't have a completely flat stomach any more. I don't understand why but that just made me feel worse. There could be a number of reasons for this - not being well, bloating and water. But I don't think it is any of them.. 
It's sounds really bad, but I can't help it.. I don't want to put on weight. I really don't. Even if it is just a little. I'd put on the weight I needed to in order for the nurse to stop nagging me, but that was it.. And now on top of feeling super sick, I feel disgusting too... "/ 
And to put the icing on the metaphorical cake not only am I slightly scared for next friday, but there's also someone I miss a lot. Well two people. I'd almost, maybe give anything just to get a hug from either of them. I miss them a lot, maybe too much. 
I really need at least one of them right now.. 
But I know that's kind of impossible.. "/ 
Sorry for the rant, but it's been the worst few days.. It really has.. 

:(