Enjoy it while you can...

This is my second blog of the day, but hey, I'm enjoy it at the moment. And  I haven't blogged properly in a while.
So! This weekend I saw my non-biological sister! I haven't seen her in so long, and I've really missed her. So when she turned up yesterday...WOW. It was amazing to talk and gossip and catch up; and have those amazing girly chats.... I love this woman! :P
She agreed with me about what I've said in the previous blog...

But anyway...I've been thinking since I got home, and I've come to the conclusion that in the grand scheme of things there is always some one better. There always will be. And if  one was to look at things in this way, any human life is insignificant in the grand scheme. But we, as people, think about things, care about things and develop feelings for one another interpersonally, that in itself makes everything significant. Even the things, that we maybe don't want to acknowledge or believe in.  As I sit here, writing this, knowing no-one reads it and watching 102 dalmatians, I can see how good life is. how nice it is to just sit and relax...How good it is, to just not think and keep a good mood. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, and that smile hasn't left..Although I have the weirdest feeling that around 10 tonight..the smile will fade and I'll go back to listening to the same thing over and over again.. But for now..enjoy the smile..From now on..I'm going to savour every single smile, every single laugh...Life is only as good as you make it..I plan on making the most of it...

I think I'm going to stop now...I'm in need of tea and chocolate! ^_^ <3

Thing's you'll never say...

hi...
Do you ever get that feeling that you need to tell someone something...you need to tell them what thoughts are circling around and around in your head because it's about them..But you just can't...you can't. Because if you do..you ruin everything... Everything sucks. And the few things in life that make you wake up and smile..they vanish. They just go.
I have that feeling right now. There's so much in my head that I want...need to tell someone, but I can't. It wouldn't be worth ruining everything we share at the moment. We have fun, and we enjoy what we have. But I really like this guy. I really do. But I can't tell him how much he actually means to me, he's such a good friend to have, .I can't ruin this. I'm just trying to enjoy it and enjoy this moment, enjoy what we have. I'm not going to put "all my eggs in one basket"...and I know this may not work.. it probably won't but is it so wrong for me to think of what it would be like if it did?
I'd really like it too... And I can't explain why but I miss him like mad! It's insane.
I know that right now I must sound like an infatuated little girl..And I wouldn't blame you for thinking so..
But he is a really really nice guy. He's gorgeous, inside and out. When I'm with him I just feel...happy..I feel...attractive for once, I wake up and I don't feel massively gross...

I just don't know what to tell him.. I want to tell him all these things...but I can't...I just can't ....

<3

Little Things...

So.. I haven't written in a while. But now seems as good a time as any...
The last 8 months haven't been easy for me...but a lot of people have shit times.. Some things are being fixed, some are still open wounds...
But then..nothing in life ever comes easy..you have to fight for what you want..
A few months ago I made a really big mistake.. I've made a lot of them lately in all honesty. Sometimes you can't fix the mistakes you make...but sometime's you can. And if you can, fix them, change it...

Moving on to a different topic that I need to talk about..
I recently lost someone that means the world to me..and I don't know when I'm going to see him again and I don't know if he's going to be here when I have my surgery done..but I want him there, I need him there..He's happy now and I don't want to get in the way of that..but I miss him so much..I really miss him..I'd give almost anything for him to be here, and give me a hug and tell me everything's okay.
I talk to him some times, but sometimes a phone just isn't good enough.. I need him..I really do..
He would never lie to me, and he told me the other day that my self hatred was unjustified...but why is it?
I'm not good enough. I know that. Everyone else knows that. I don't even think I'm good enough for myself any more....And that makes it just a little bit hard to look in the mirror every morning....just a bit...
One day I'll read all these blogs and stupid entries and laugh and realise how much of a little girl I'm being..But right now...I don't care..I just want to be sure that all the effort I'm putting into my life is justifiably worth it...Is it enough?

<3

Just need to say this...

Okay, so to put it blunty I'm fed up..
Fed up of being told when I can't and can't see people or say things. I'm fed up of doing the wrong thing all the time.. Genuinely feels like I can't do anything right...
I try my hardest and no-one seems to care.. Well not the people that should anyway... there are a few exceptions but there;'s one specific person that should, and they don't..

No-one seemed to care that I sat at the bus stop and just burst into tears for no reason.. or the fact that I wasn't in a good mood.. or that I was 'grumpy'. In all honesty I'm just fed up, and I've had enough.
I'm fed up of everything being my fault.... I always get the blame for everything, even if I haven't done or said anything...
Why? Why is it always my fault? just because I'm not a pretty little girl in pink? Well sorry but pink isn't my colour and what I wear shouldn't be a judge of character.. I can't help that I don't like fitting in or blending with the crowd.. I can't..

There are only a few people on this planet that make me happy, and I really want to see one of them, because even though there is no reason to I miss him, I miss him a lot.. And in all honesty I just really want him to hug me and do what he always does... make me smile.. and make me laugh, but no. not tonight..

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.. how am I supposed to fix myself...I'm actually crying whilst writing this for no reason... its so frustrating not knowing why!!

I've had enough of always being the problem...

Song of the day.

I cannot hide what's on my mind
I feel it burning deep inside
A passion crime to take what's mine
Let us start living for today

Never gonna' change my mind
We can leave it all behind
Nothin's gonna' stop us
No not this time


So take your hand in mine
It's ours tonight
This is a rebel love song
Hearts will sacrifice
It's do or die
This is a rebel love song


My outlaw eyes have seen their lies
I choke on all they had to say
When worlds collide what's left inside
I hold on tight and hear you pray


Never gonna' change my mind
We can leave it all behind
Nothin's gonna' stop us
No not this time


So take your hand in mine
It's ours tonight
This is a rebel love song
Hearts will sacrifice
It's do or die
This is a rebel love song


Wild and running for one reason
They can't stop us from our freedom
(Wild and running for one reason
They can't stop us from our freedom)


Never gonna' change my mind
We can leave it all behind
Nothin's gonna' stop us
No not this time


So take your hand in mine
It's ours tonight
This is a rebel love song
Hearts will sacrifice
It's do or die
This is a rebel love song
So take your hand in mine
It's ours tonight
This is a rebel love song
Hearts will sacrifice
It's do or die
This is a rebel love song      <3

general changes

hmm... lately a lot has happend. Things that have mostly been beyond my control. But that can't be helped..
So one of my best friends has decided to be an arse, but I guess it's not entirely his fault. He started several arguments, and because I didn't want to make these arguments worse, I just stopped talking to him for a few days... Maybe that was the entirely wrong thing to do, but I did it.. And it's one of those things you can't take back.. But anyway, he then started talking to me the other day, amd he told me since started dating this guy, I've changed. He then procceeded to say "talk to me when the old you is back" but that's the problem.. I haven't changed or become a whole new person.. I've just grown up. And since I've been with this guy,I'm happy. Really happy. And I don't want that to change..

What really does annoy me is when people tell you that you've changed..when in actual fact you haven't, you've just out grown being that childish person you once were in school. But do people ever stop to think that it's actually them that have changed? no. they don't, because they're too eager to place the blame on everyone else..

I can't help being happy.. I quite like being happy and comfortable with someone, and wanting to see them aaaaalll the time. I like this feeling, & I don't want that feeling to go away. <3 <3 <3

Theme song for me at the moment; We are in the crowd - Rumour Mill! <3 <3

Last Night.

'Kay so basically I haven't been brilliant the last few weeks. I admit I've probably been rude to some people that i shouldn't have been aswell...And I'm super sorry about that.. Like HUGELY sorry. It's just that the slightest thing has been irritating me lately..I'm not making excuses..but that's the reason..

Last night I went out with a couple of friends and I didnt get drunk; even if the intention was to do so and forget everything..
Even though I didnt manage to forget I did vent.. I sat in the utility room and vented to the most wonderful person I've ever met.. she just sat and listened and hugged me when I cried..I couldnt ask for more..I couldnt believe how much I cried and really didn't realise I had that much to get off my chest, but clearly I did.. and I feel so much better for it..
So if anyone does actually ever read this..Venting helps! I know it sounds cliche and no-one ever believes me when I tell them that just letting it all out and telling someone you trust everything thats been bothering you helps. It helped me. And in my experience it helps alot of others too.
Also, if there isn't someone directly with you, phone someone..That's what phones were invented for!
Last night I phoned the most amazing person in my life..he helps keep me sane 24/7 and also makes me smile every time I meet him for coffee in the morning..
The only problem is that he isnt going through the best of times either. and I feel slightly guilty for just ringing him blubbering and dumping everything on him..But in a way I'm glad I did..I know he helps me no matter what..And if you do read this I'm always here for you. I love you so much! You mean soooooo bloody much to me!
I dont know what I can do to help right now, and I dont know how I can make you any happier but I promise to try. I love it when you smile, you should smile more!
To both of those people- I Love You guys.
thankyou so much, I'm always here for you!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3