Last Night.

'Kay so basically I haven't been brilliant the last few weeks. I admit I've probably been rude to some people that i shouldn't have been aswell...And I'm super sorry about that.. Like HUGELY sorry. It's just that the slightest thing has been irritating me lately..I'm not making excuses..but that's the reason..

Last night I went out with a couple of friends and I didnt get drunk; even if the intention was to do so and forget everything..
Even though I didnt manage to forget I did vent.. I sat in the utility room and vented to the most wonderful person I've ever met.. she just sat and listened and hugged me when I cried..I couldnt ask for more..I couldnt believe how much I cried and really didn't realise I had that much to get off my chest, but clearly I did.. and I feel so much better for it..
So if anyone does actually ever read this..Venting helps! I know it sounds cliche and no-one ever believes me when I tell them that just letting it all out and telling someone you trust everything thats been bothering you helps. It helped me. And in my experience it helps alot of others too.
Also, if there isn't someone directly with you, phone someone..That's what phones were invented for!
Last night I phoned the most amazing person in my life..he helps keep me sane 24/7 and also makes me smile every time I meet him for coffee in the morning..
The only problem is that he isnt going through the best of times either. and I feel slightly guilty for just ringing him blubbering and dumping everything on him..But in a way I'm glad I did..I know he helps me no matter what..And if you do read this I'm always here for you. I love you so much! You mean soooooo bloody much to me!
I dont know what I can do to help right now, and I dont know how I can make you any happier but I promise to try. I love it when you smile, you should smile more!
To both of those people- I Love You guys.
thankyou so much, I'm always here for you!!
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

one thing,

I only have one thing to say today.
I know now that there's someone there. I know I'm not alone in this..
A very good friend at college is there for me, and as always "my big brother".
These are the best people... <3

That One Person...

So have you ever met someone and at first impressions thought that they would never conjure up strong emotions or have a massive impact?
Yeah...I did that.
There's this one guy in my life, that did exactly that. I met him, ages ago, it feels like I've known him forever. And when I first met him, I thought he'd just be one of those guys you meet and never talk to. But no.. He did the opposite. After I met him, we started talking and we could quite litterally talk for days..and not stop. I don't know why but we just connected..like something clicked and we instantly became brilliant friends... I don't  understand that connection, and I guess I never will, but I don't mind that. I can live wth not understanding it, as long as I don't lose it.
But then, I have to say that I've always had a soft spot for this guy, ever since I met him; there's just something about him..
But I can't tell him exactly how I feel. oh no. That would lead to all kinds of complications. Besides, he seems so perfectly happy..
And I refuse to get in the way or alter that.. I'll always have feelings for this guy, and I'll always have that soft spot... I'm just happy to have the privellege of calling him My Bestfriend...He's like family to me...Only more   <3 <3

The Effect Of People...

'kay so, this may seem weird but some people really do get under my skin...
Like some times it's good and makes me realise just how much I really do care about them, but other times..they just annoy me. End of. So I dont really know what to write about..but I guess I'm just supposed to tell you what's going through my head..and right now, That would be how complicated everything is...
Like the one question of my life is what to say? do I tell her happened ad explain the real reason to my cranial melt down (if thats how you spell it) or do I leave it, and when it comes down to the end of all this pretend like I didn't know... However this person is the most important person in my life and I can't lose the connection I have with her....I just can't...

But anyway, moving on to a lighter topic of conversation! WOO! yay! today is going to be a good day, I can tell :) reason 1; get to see like the most amazing guy ever...
When I walked in to Nailsea SportCentre i couldnt wait to see him! (Obviously i'm not saying his name...this is the internet after all :P
But the moment saw him couldn't control the smile. its been way too long since saw this guy! I can honestly say he is one of the best people I've met, and I cant imagine my life with out him!!
Loads of Love for this guy!!!!! <3 <3 <3(in all fairness like the main reason its a good day ^_^ <3)


P.s; if you ever read this...The green plaster suited you ;) <3

things are looking up :)

So next week I'm in Southhamptom on Tuesday and off college on Friday :) Going to be a relaxing week :) Oh yeah, and I'm going to Nailsea on Saturday XD Can't wait!!

so..next year is sorted!! YAY! I'm hopefully going to see Panic at the disco in January, then Reading Fest an Henley Rewind Fest XD might even see Evanescence :) I'm so excited for next year!!

Anyway..moving on.. I finally finished all my college work. and Lately I'm feeling alot better :)
That might bee because according to the doctors scales I've lost 4.5kilos in the 3 weeks! I feel quite proud of myself XD
The thing about it though, is that I've actually started eating more and regularly, so I'm no longer starving myself an I'm losing weight..WEIRD!

There isn't much to say so I'll end it there..<3

Weird Day...

I went shopping in Mansfield today. I was told that I wouldn't stand out... yeah right LOL.
But then, if I wasn't stared out and I didn't stick out, I would have felt weird.. So it was a normal shopping day really.
The only difference was  that I didn't buy clothes, I bought books and jewellery; haven't done that in a while...

However the only slight issue of the day, was a semi-weird conversation, to which during it I resorted to my ultimate tactic of twiddling or fiddling with the first available thing - a straw. Yeah...the straw was useless afterwards...
And I also spent the entire day shaking and trying wake up my constantly dead leg that weighed a bloody tonne.
The problem was..I wasn't cold. At all.. weird right?

Anyway, I'm still shaking...and can't seem to stop.. I was constantly shaking on the Judo mat today, and my annoying dead leg caused me to fall over too many times after each technique..or prevented me from actually getting off the floor. fun right?
So I'm in Nottingham until Thursday, then in Bristol next weekend. and I honestly can't wait.. :) I don't like most the people in Reading, except the select few that go to college :D And I've always believed that it's the people that make the place...not the other way around :)

<3

Feeling Better...

so, I feel better than I did.I don't why, it may have something to do with a weekend with friends and having a good time, and now being in Nottingham with a good friend and seeing two very cool people smile.

But, I've been thinking, and I've decided that I'm so not this guys type, and no matter what I do, he probably wont be interested in me. So I've decided I shall admire him from a distance. It's okay, and I don't mind, I've resigned myself to being un-datable. so it's fine.
I mean if it ever happened and it turned out he was interested, sure, that would be good. But if he isn't and it never happens, I'm fine with that too. I don't mind. It's not the end of the world and I'll get over it.

Anyway, moving on, Saturday night was amazing!!
I had so much fun, watching drunk people dancing and a certain someone practically eating a rubber glove. LOL.

But yeah, the past few have been much better. And I haven't felt the need to randomly burst into hysterics and cry. so yeah. Its good :)

I feel much better <3

free time....

So i'm now officially on half term, and had a super bust day today shopping for tomorrow...i bought party rings...'cause they're nommy!!

Anyway the next week is shaping up to be a good one. having some friends over tomorrow, a relaxing day sunday, them monday the fun really begins.
So i'm going out for a little bit to do some more shopping, then I'm travelling all the way up to nottingham so stay with a friend for a while. Going to be lots of fun, because i know a certain someone will cheer up alot. and i mean alot...hell he might even smile.

Then when i get back i'm going to have a humongous pile of college work to do..but hey, i'll have a few days..
and then its halloween. one of my most favourite holidays...i dont know why its my favourite..but it just is..
Any way the first weekend of november, i finally get to go and see one of the most amazing people in my life.. and i sooooooo cant wait... he truly is a lovely guy!
GAH! the next couple of weeks are going to be soo amazing!!

Although, when i have free time and i'm on my own..i never know what to with myself...i get so bored and irritated..
So i'm glad i wont be alone. <3

Nothing...

So..I spent today curled up on my sofa with a blanket. All because my body has decided to become attracted to germs that make you feel rubbish! Mean right?
And also because I'm still wallowing in sefl-pity.
Yes I know that if this guy isnt interested it isnt the end of the world.. But I'd like it if he was..
From what I've heard he is a lovely guy.. like really nice..and shy. Which works for me.. Shy can be good.
But for once it would be nice if it wasnt just the arse holes that are attracted or interested in me..
I mean they've all been good, really nice guys..and then once that excitement of dating dies down and you start to get too relaxed in the relationship, they change, well most of them, like 9/10 (as a statistic) have..

So this guys friend has said he's shy and sometimes does stupid things, but apparently he's a lovely guy. Like a super lovely guy. How nice would it be if for once, just once I could attract the attention of a nice guy.. and actually enjoy a realtionship with shared effort.
So my pathetic self pity and plain emotional down-ness is still here. It is still yet to leave...
I wish it would...I hate that constant feeling of tears brimming in the corners of my eyes.

<3

Long overdue

Tonight...I cried...like really cried...again..

For a while now I've been feeling kind of low and there's nothing that I could do.. Wednesday I walked to meet my mum..and on my way I just started crying, for no reason...just randomly started crying walking down that road..and I couldn't stop..and tonight it happened again.
I have no idea why..
I started crying in the car.. and I haven't stopped...
It's long overdue and I think this is what I need...I just hope it helps, and I hope I feel better in the morning.... <3

What to say...

I haven't written for a few days because I felt like total crap! Like major rubbish! Still not much better, but I wanted to write...

So..basically I'm confused!
One of my most amazing friends has a friend who knows the guy I've now got my eye on.. And she's going to introduce me, so at least I have a starting point a maybe a chance of getting to know this guy... But thing is...I have this fear...well not really a fear, more of a totally insane worry..
I'm scared that..well that he wont be interested in the slightest, or that he'll just..ignore me completely.. like.. I  have this fear that no-one will ever be interested (unless they're completely INSANE!)

My friend..my most outstanding friend came down to see me last weekend, and he asked "Are you still single?" So I replied "yes." and he was soo confused, he didn't understand how I could be single..he just kept say "Why the hell are you still single?!?!" that's the thing though... I cant see why anyone would be interested in me, and no one is..I'm not good looking enough, and I'm not your average teenage girl...
People have told me I'm pretty, but I cant see how? I don't understand why I am? what is it about me that makes people tell me that...even though it's not true?
I know this sounds super pathetic! and 9 times out of ten, whenever a girl is complimented they sit there and say "Oh no I'm not..." but a lot of them do it for the extra compliments and attention. But I'm serious.. obviously I cant see what the few other people can. And I really don't believe I'm good looking in the slightest..
I'm just not..

So this brings me back to the beginning, what if he just doesn't want to know who I am... and even if we are introduced to each other...what would I say? what could I say?
<3

Amazing...

Had one of the most amazing days today... absolutely brilliant!
Had so much fun, and smiled so much...and I'm so grateful to them for making me smile...(:

But.. I had a little talk with some one today, and told them all my...worries.
Like how I hate the way I look..and that I'm worried that the guy I have my eye on, wont be interested at all...It's so stupid, but I feel ugly...
I don't know why though...

Do you ever have those fears that your'e not good enough and you never will be..
I'm good enough for myself...but am I good enough for anyone else? <3

Best smile in a long time....

'Kay so..to put it bluntly. I'm excited!  YAY!
Some of my friends have come up to see me from like.. Dover!!! And I've missed them soo much! And I'm seeing another friend from Nottingham tomorrow!! SO EXCITED! YAY XD
I've missed people soo much, it's soo nice to see them and to be able to just sit and laugh with them face to face.. We don't see eaachother much, but when we do we have the most amazing times!

It's so easy to just smile around them XD I actually LOVE IT!
The friend I'm seeing tomorrow is one of the best people I know, and she's so much fun to be around...like everyone smiles around her..
And the best part about her is that she makes the most important person in my life happy!! And for that I'll always love her!

GAH! I'm soo excited. Tomorrow Is going to be sooo much fun xD

Nothing better than a nice beer with some awesome people <3

Don't know what to think.. .

So I know my last post was about this guy...and guess what.....so is this one.

So.. I want to add him on facebook, and I want to start talking to him...every time I see hm at college I have this random urge to just go over and introduce myself. but i don't know why.
there's just something about him...but I don't know what it is...? ?

&another thing . why should I bother?? because I'm pretty sure he would never, never be interested in a girl like me, I'm not blond and I'm not beautiful...I'm not. I can openly admit that and I'm not ashamed of how I look. I just don't see why he would even be the slightest bit interested...
I bet he's never even noticed me before...

so do I just go for it and introduce myself... or do I not bother and get over a small fantasy that will probably never happen?

<3

Confusion.

Okay, so it's official!  I need help! 
I really don;t know how to make this happen...well I've daydreamed of ways I can could start a conversation or meet him randomly... but I wouldn't be able to do it.. like actually do any of it.
I can't just randomly offer him a polo or a mento. .that would be weird.
But for some reason I feel like I've met this guy before... I recognise him and I could've sworn I've seen him or met him some where before...I just don't know when..
It's kind of frustrating.

Have you ever made up a situation in your head and wished with everything that it might actually happen?

But then it doesn't.



OMG! blowing my own trumpet here. But I feel like the most amazing friend ever!
My friend just phoned me in a major panic, and was very upset about something I wont mention.
But I told here a while ago that no matter what it was, she could ring me or text me anytime... so she just phoned me and I said I would help here with what she's dealing with whether the outcome is good or bad. by the end of the conversation she's was smiling and giggled. But I promised I'd be there, and I was...just like I will always be...for all of my friends....no matter what...

so to any of my friends reading this... I LOVE YOU! And I'm always here for you. No matter what! <3

What to do?

Finally finished the psychology essay!! xD yay... And done my spanish work. I feel like a genius...

So I  never saw my guy today...so it was slightly dull not being able to sit and stare...or daydream maybe.
He is completely gorgeous. However, like I said, I am yet to speak to him... But I've heard him talk..and my my...his voice is gorgeous. Its practically melt worthy!

I don't really have a decent reason to start a conversation with him, and I can't exactly walk up to him randomly and say "hey! I think your'e beautiful.." that would be weird.
It's so weird for me to actually like a guy or notice him before he's noticed me. This is going to sound majorly big headed, but usually it's guys always coming up to me and starting conversations or showing interest... I don't know why though...
Maybe I should take a chance on it...or the first time ever...
I would love to get to know him and find out what sort of person he is. But from what I've seen of him and how he I with his friends he seems lovely....

How embarassing would it be if he was to read this, and realise it was about him?! DX
Yeah...talk about a tomato coloured face!
So the big question here is do I randomly add him on facebook, or wait and see what happens (whether we meet casually or just randomly start talking).....??
On the other hand though, I honestly don't think that it would be random in the slightest...my friends..well a few o my god friends that know about this have decided to make a plan and try and getus to "casually meet" PAHAHA!
He probably isn't even interested....It would be nice if he was though.. <3

Frustrating Day...

'kay so... by my reckoning I'm getting pretty good at this blogging stuff! Mwahahah!! It's quite amazing that I seem to be able to find time to actually do this between all the work that I get confused on LOL. But I seem to be managing!
I actually finished that essay I mentioned yesterday... well mostly. I'm still yet to write a conclusion..but again I have no idea what to write... ah well...... I'll think of something!! xD

Today was good. I saw my guy on the train again, although I didn't talk to him...I wanted to though...
I guess I just don't know how. any suggestions on how to randomly bump into him and start a conversation? (without looking like a complete freak!)
I saw him several times today, and had the urge to just go up to him and introduce myself...but I'm pretty sure that would be considered weird... and I really don't want that.
Last week a good friend of mine said he was looking at me on the train, but how do I know he was actually looking at me????!!! ARGH! I hope he was... in a way that could be a sign he MIGHT be interested... although i don't see why anyone would be interested in me... the only thing about me that guys ever seem remotely interested is the size of my boobs....(they aren't exactly small...)
t would be nice if he was...I was thinking of randomly adding him on facebook, but again.. weird??
Because he might just be like...."woaaa...she's a bit weird.." And I really don't want that. In a way I kinda just want things to happen...for him to show interest in talking to me and for a conversation to casually start and feel right... I hope that one day it might happen...maybe I'd actually get the chance....

OMG! I must sound completely pathetic to you... and for that I'm sorry if your still actually reading this entry.. (whoops)
But i started this blog as a way to let things out without having to see judgement in people's faces...and it's quite refreshing not having to worry about being judged for my words, thoughts and feelings.
I just wish I didn't feel as alone as I currently do...
for example. my sister came over today, and I was talking to her about college, and after a few sentences she just sat there and (word for word) said "I don't really care".... did she think of how that makes me feel when I have to sit there and listen to her blab on about how amazing it is to be living with my ex boyfriend... no she didn't.
But hey....it's my job and I have to listen...because I care about her and about how she feels.
It's who I am....
One day I hope I get my ever after..... that would be nice <3

This is ADDICTIVE!!!

So, I'm sat here, and I'm supposed to be writing my psychology essay! LOL. But this seemed so much more interesting! even though no-one reads it :L
But I had a pretty good day today... nothing majorly exciting happened, but it was pretty chilled out and quite lovely. The company at college is amazing and I love the fact that we can just sit there and have a completely random. I love it.

So I've sent the link of this blog to a few people, and I really hope they don't read too much into it and I sincerely hope they don't think I'm completely insane!!

Today I realised something, about four years ago, I lost myself. I was in a very bad place, and it was extremely hard to come back from that. But about a year ago I got better, and I'm now, and guess I always have been (just haven't noticed it) proud of myself. I'm proud of who I am, and the kind of person I am.
I mean I used to be a horrible person, and I always hurt the people I loved the most and I always pushed them away! (stupid much?) Thinking about it I feel incredibly STUPID! But I suppose it can't be helped. I just have to try my best to make up for that now. A believe me, I'm trying. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there who's willing to be my saviour? How nice would that be?

I was talking to one of bestest ever friends today. She is one of the most amazing girls I know. I don't know what I would do without her!! She's always there for me, and she's the best person to talk to or just have a silly conversation and have a laugh! But even she said I'm nicer now!! YAY!

One day I hope I'll be the girl that actually deserves to be loved and cared about. Because every person that has ever loved me....I didn't deserve your affection, in all honesty I'm still unsure as to whether I do deserve it now...but i hope one day I will <3

I've never tried for anything than to be a better girl...and I hope one day I'll be the best I can be..
P.S sorry my entries are always soooooo LONG! :D

unsure..

I know I've already written today, but I just got  reply!!
So, to start from the top, earlier this year i broke up with a reaaaallly reaaaally good guy. As it turns out we both agreed the relationship wasn't working and left it at that.
However a few weeks earlier I was talking to a friend about him, and it made me realise how much I miss him, and how much I really miss talking to him. So me being me, I decided to message him. and guess what?! He replied!!! mwahaha!
it started out kid of awkward, but it's kind of like we are friends again, although not as close as we used to be (obviously). but hey, cant have everything right?
It made me wonder if he had ever thought of me in the time we hadn't been talking, or whether he missed me at all?
I sincerely doubt he did...but hey.

Have you ever wondered that? does he miss me???
but then if you have ever wondered whether messaging an old friend or an ex boyfriend is a good idea? or been too worried that they would hate you?
well don't be! there's only one way to find out! and it doesn't always matter if the answer you get is not the one you want. at least it's an answer...

Although I miss him, and I do care about him, we've travelled apart I guess. But no matter what I'll always have feelings for him. and I still do miss him..... A LOT. .


And there's this new guy who's caught my eye... he is so amazingly cute... I'm just a bit too shy to even start a conversation. Maybe one day I'll say hello to him. <3

A Good Friend, Becomes A Stranger...

So today I met up with some old friends...and it's really strange to see how people change and how they change toward you.
I honestly don't think I've changed, maybe I've matured a little but I really don't think I've changed or become a complete bitch. But hey, it's not like it matters what I think, they only ever talk to me when they want something...
Yes, I missed them.. but now, not so much.
A few of them haven't changed in the slightest and I still love them as much as I always have. But others...well I wont be helping them next time they come crying to my door. I know this sounds extremely selfish, but I have always been there for them. No matter what. I've always stopped what I've been doing and helped them, and I've never, ever got anything in return, they've rarely been there when I needed them and they've rarely helped me. They've always been "too busy". In all fairness that takes the piss a tad. I know I'm being so selfish, but I've kind of had enough...

Do you ever sit back and wonder what it would be like if people were there for you the same way you're there for them?
All today has done is emphasize to me how much better my friends at college are. The friends I have now are so much nicer, and although they don't know everything about my life they understand. One of my good friends now, is one of the very few in my life that I really trust, and I feel like I can trust her with pretty much everything. And not only that, but she understands!!!
She understood the other day when I just didn't want to talk, and when I just kind of wanted to spend a little bit of time on my own...  she was willing to let me have moment, and yet she was still there when I came round and wanted to talk.. that is what makes a good friend.
I'll do the same for her. whenever she needs me or just wants someone to talk to, I'll be here.
That's what friends do.

ARGH! Sometimes all a person needs is one good friend. but a lot of people think they need lots of friends...
I'd rather keep the few good friends I have a College, than have a lot of rubbish friends. <3 

Where do I begin?

So, I've never written a blog before, or ever really told anyone how I feel. But now seems like a good time to start...

Shall we start at the beginning?
Basically I'm not normal. I don't fit in, and I know it. But then in all honesty I glory in that and enjoy every second of being different and not following the crowd...yes I get stared at and yes some people say un-needed things. But you have one chance at life, so why not enjoy it the way you want?
Standing out from form everyone else is probably my best quality. I know I'm different and I know I stand out, but at the same time I know I'm doing what I WANT. so I know I'm not living my life trying to be someone else...and that is what gives me confidence. Knowing I am who I am; and I'm not ever going to change for someone.

Did any of you know that changing for someone is the worst thing you could ever do? for example, Girls. A lot of girls be who they want to be when they're single, but as soon as they get  a boyfriend, they change. and that's all to please one guy! WHY?! what's the point in changing because someone doesn't like one tiny thing you do? like dying your hair a new colour, or wearing different types of clothes, or changing the way you put on your make up. all  can say is BULL CRAP! There is no point in changing. If someone doesn't appreciate you for who or what type of person you are then they really are not worth your time. They really aren't. I learnt that that the hard way... I changed a little for a guy...and i hated every moment...because all I  kept thinking was "is this really me?"
and when that ended I went back to being 100% completely me, and I felt so happy... its like wearing a pair of heels all day, and walking for miles..then getting home and slipping off those shoes and putting on your big fluffy slippers. It's such a relief....
so I guess what I'm trying to say is don't change. Be who you want to be.
besides...trying to be something your not is really hard work..and one day your true self will come out anyway...
A lot of people don't realise this until the very end...that they've been trying to be something they're not because its what other people expect of them...
All i can say is screw what other people think of you and be proud of yourself. <3